I’d just come off the back of building a startup that folded due to founder conflict.
I was emotionally and mentally battered and bruised, but completely determined to throw myself back into the worlf of startups.
Build fast, build cheap, grow, grow grow…
It was an ethos that had consumed me since starting out as a web designer turned entrepreneur. Watching so many cool startups go through rounds and rounds of funding to their (hopefully) glorious exit was something that not only inspired me, but fuelled a desparate need to replicate their success.
When friends and family were heading out to spend time with each other at weekends, I’d be sitting at my laptop every spare second I could get.
I did it purely for the love of startups…
…which is a complete lie I’d often tell myself.
Really, deep down, I wanted to be a millionaire founder that could solve all of the financial issues of my very hard working, working class family.
I also wanted a nice car, house, holidays, all the trainers I could get my hands on and maybe a swimming pool (indoors, right next to a tennis court).
That fuelled my desire and my ambition, but it also played havoc with my focus.
As an ideas person, I would hop from one idea to another. I believe ADHD, combined with a fear of potentially overlooking a winning idea, meant I wouldn’t get very far at all.
“Life is what happens when you are making other plans” – John Lennon
You often hear people say things like ‘I’ve completely changed as a person’. I never understood that statement beyond the small scale, normal every day changes we all make; like deciding to wake up an hour earlier or wearing more colour in your work outfit. But when people used to say ‘I’m not the same person anymore’ I never quite fully understood what they meant. I’d tried and failed many times to change from being a quiet, prefer-isolation to people kind of person to someone more outgoing and extrovert. I always failed miserably, so this change of life/character/personality thing was nothing more than a myth.
I’ve since learned that real change is not driven by conscious thought, but more through the sub-conscious reactions we have to the experiences around us.
As a I relentlessly pursued my goals, a series of events would occur that did that for me.
Three of the most profound things to happen occured over a four year period – change doesn’t always happen overnight.
The first was that my beloved, gorgeous, smart, insanely incredible mum was diagnosed with early-onset Dementia in 2021.
She’d got a really good job with a good pension – something she’d been taught to do by her parents. Their belief was that whilst you’re young, work all the hours you can to provide for your family, even if that means sacrificing time with them. Put money away for your pension because when you retire, that’s finally your time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. In my mum’s case… lots of cruises, buy a motorhome, go shopping and spend time with friends and family.
She was diagnosed 3 years before her retirement.
She was forced to give up her job because she couldn’t remember the basic tasks she depended on. Initially she was at the mercy of Universal Credit before finally being able to access the money she’d saved throughout her career.
She can’t leave the house now without having someone with her. We’ve tried going on short stay, local holidays; but she finds it too overwhelming and anxiety enducing. She’s also lost her license and hasn’t seen the vast majority of her friends since her diagnosis.
The pension she worked so hard to enjoy goes towards care costs and even then, it will barely cover what waits for us around the corner.
I started thinking a lot about the times my mum would come home from work crying because of the stress of her role. The people she worked with weren’t always the nicest and I spent many hours listening to her crying in bed at night. She persisted only for her the sake of her family and that she was building a ‘future’.
Those memories echo through my mind with painful regret on her behalf.
All of that struggle, and for what?!
After work I began spending more time with my family, rather than sitting at a computer screen. Rather than spending holidays sitting in front of the TV or palying video games, I always made sure my hours were packed with experiences. I started paying more attention to the present and the quality of the relationships in my life.
The second experience was the decline of my own health.
I’d been diagnosed with Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in my 30s and had 4 major surgeries for growths and adhesions. Being in pain is normal for me.
Once 40 arrived, it was like watching a line of dominoes fall one by one.
It has been a trying time and continues to do so, but I’m not quite ready (nor will I probably ever be) to divulge everything in an open forum.
Finally, the third event.
I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie and love nothing more than spending time hanging upside down on a rollercoaster. The vast majority of my hoilidays tend to be in Orlando. However, last year I’d promised my partner that we would spend a week in North Wales; a place I hadn’t been to since I was a child.
We booked a caravan in a little town called Abergele. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive about going. I didn’t mind the outdoors but I was allergic to anything that involved a vertical climb.
Even now I don’t know how to explain it.
An awakening?
A calling?
Hearing something bigger than mysef?
It was like the world had just turned on the light and I could see something clearly for the first time.
The mountains, the lakes, the forests… even the 2 hour vertical hike to Aber Falls…
It sounds so incredibly cheesey… but it felt like I’d found where I was supposed to be.
I remember one day, sitting on the hillside of the Great Orme. It was a warm, blue sky day in early May. I sat thinking about my mum and my own health. It was likey suddenly everything made sense about who I was, what I was supposed to do and how I was going to do it.
I’d arrived in Wales as a hyperactive ‘techie’ with 100 startups and left with a clear mind and a vision of my single purpose in life.